Hurt… what is hurt?
if we look at it closely, it is pain, pain caused due to our action towards our selves or caused due to the actions of others towards us in a way we are not expecting it or not accepting it.
I am not going to talk about the physical hurt in this post, because one way or the other it’s pretty clear to every one, what physically hurts and what does not hurt.
In this post, I will be mostly talking about the emotional and mental hurts that we go through and many a times continue to hurt our selves because we think it is being caused by some one out side of us and there by it is out of our control.
Accept it or not… all emotional / mental hurt is self inflicted…
I know it might be sounding absurd to accept the above statement in the first go but if you continue reading it might make sense to you by the end of this post 🙂
There are Basically 2 kinds of Hurts:
Direct hurt is when someone says or behaves in a way with the intention of hurting you, like insulting you, swearing at you, threatening you, judging you, shaming you, blaming you, lying to you or about you, mis guiding you … you get the point… normally when we come across such actions directed towards us our first response is that of anger if the opposite person is some how lesser in power than us or frustration if the opposite person is more in power than us, but what we forget here is that whether you get angry or you get frustrated, both the ways you are making a choice and that choice is of ‘Hurting’ Yourself, Like Buddha says: you will not be punished because of your anger, but by your anger.
So the question here is what do I do if I come across such a situation, because we do come across such situations almost on a daily basis, and the answer to that question is: “exercise choice”, yes, choice of a third path… where you do not react but respond.
It is as simple as that, remember I said Simple not easy, a lot of times we misunderstand simple to be easy it is not, the transition from simple to easy needs practice, without practice even a simple thing can seem very difficult.
for example: Imagine you have a lock to open and in your hands you have 10 different keys, there is only one key that fits this lock, only with practice you will know which key fits this lock, after you practice and remember which key belongs to this lock it becomes easy, till then it is simple.
Similarly, “Exercising Choice” is simple, until you practice and remember, then it becomes easy, it becomes your attitude.
So what is this Choice that we need to exercise? The Choice is to remember… that “you are free to choose how you feel” about any situation… You can feel Angry, you can feel sad, you can feel happy, you can laugh about it, you can ignore it, you can do something about it, you can basically do anything you want about this situation, the choice is up to you…
The most Important thing to remember here is that “You have the freedom of Choice” to feel the way you like to feel no matter what kind of a situation you are in, after all feeling Hurt is also a feeling, and feeling hurt is not the only choice available to you.
Now coming to In-Direct Hurt: In-Direct Hurt is basically where someone close to you does something which was against your expectation of them, let me give you a few scenarios:
Scenario 1: Between a man and a woman, Imagine you are a woman going on a date with your lover, normally he got you flowers every time you have met so far, this time he didn’t and you (choose to) ‘feel hurt’.
Scenario 2: You are a Manager at your place, you delegate a task to your subordinate, he promises to finish it in 2 days and he doesn’t and you get angry (choose to feel hurt) (anger is hurting yourself)
Scenario 3: you are a parent and you son or daughter does not perform well in their exams, you get unhappy or sad (unhappy or sad feelings are hurtful feelings… you are choosing hurt for yourself).
Now when you look at the above examples you might say but isn’t that an obvious reaction? and the answer is: Just because everybody is doing it does not necessarily make it right, like Voltaire said: excellence is the enemy of good. There is always a better way.
Remember, the reason for your unhappiness, sadness, anger, frustration, or any kind of hurtful feeling in any “In-Direct hurt” is not somebody else’s actions but your own perception of them, in most of the cases – them not being able to meet your expectations.
Which means, even in a “In-Direct Hurt” the freedom to choose the way you want to feel is still with you.
In my experience, most of the people stay stuck in a In-Direct Hurt, longer than in a Direct Hurt, some times for years together and some times even for life times.
Because when in “In-Direct hurt” one gives away the responsibility of the way they feel to somebody else, mostly using Blame, reasons, excuses or denial.
So if you are feeling hurt: whether it is through “Direct Hurt” or “In-Direct Hurt” remember, that the freedom to choose on how you should feel about it lies with you.
The First Step in Healing anything is Taking 100% responsibility of your own feelings, Because when you Change the Feeling you begin the Healing.
feel free to share your thoughts or ask questions using the Comment Section Below…